JANUARY 26, 1996 Gay People's ChroniCLE

BIG TIPS

How do I tell my female dates about my boyfriend?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Last night I was sprawled on my bed, with toes strained hopefully toward the faint coughs of heat emitted by my one-watt room heater. (I suspect it was a badly behaved toaster in its last life, but why drag me along on its chilly path of karmic retribution?)

Fortunately, I like a nip in the ... air, and I was completely distracted anyway, because I was reading one of my favorite 'zines, Cannot Become Obsolete. C.B.O. is technically dedicated to loving descriptions of obscure cuts off thrifted record albums, but these provide the departure point for honest musings on one (straight) guy's life and its various intersections with sexism, racism, homophobia, and memory.

One of the best parts of this issue (besides the music, por supuesto) was the revelation of his discovery that he shared a kindergarten class in Wisconsin with one of his 'zine idols, Lynn Peril of Mystery Date (also brilliant: insights on the social conditioning of gals via home-ec texts and dreamy/scary preteen board games. Righteous.) He was happy that someone of note had come from the land of his people. I am reminded that the only one who came out of Cheshire, Connecticut-my home town-was Ron Pallilo, who played Horshak on Welcome Back Kotter. It's just not enough.

Tipper,

I have an ethical question that begs an authoritative answer. I am a bisexual male in my mid-20s. I would say that I'm equally attracted to men and women. In my teens I had a lot of male sex partners, but I've had one steady boyfriend for the past five years. We are monogamous when it comes to gay sex and get tested for HIV on a regular basis.

My question is when to tell female dates about my bisexuality. I've always told them prior to intercourse, but I find that telling them on the first date isn't the best thing. There are too many stereotypes about bisexuals being promiscuous AIDS carriers. But if I don't tell them right away, I feel guilty for not telling them they can never completely have my physical and emotional attention. I enjoy having sex with women and average about one new female partner per month, but want to maintain a bisexual balance.

How would you approach the issue of bisexuality in my place?

Dear Hell To Tell,

Bi Guy

Since you call your relationship "monogamous when it comes to gay sex" I'm inferring that your relationship with your boyfriend is a primary one: the issue you need to broach with other dates more immediately is that you're non-monogamous, as opposed to bisexual.

Since dates proceed at paces as unique as the datees, it would be hard to say, for ex-

ample, that the second date is the time for the News. You'll have to gauge the escalation of intimacy and expectations. If you know by the end of the first date that you're going to want to sleep with the person, it would be nice to call on the phone the next day,* say what a lovely time you had, that you'd like to make another date, and that you're in an open five-year relationship. You don't have to say, "By the by, I'm bi." When she asks about her, you say it's a man. She'll get the point.

Dear Big Tipper,

Where do you turn for information you were supposed to learn, but never did, and now you don't know who to ask? My girlfriend just bought these hot black biker boots, and she told me that she has a fantasy of me polishing them. I thought she might mean like licking them, but she said she meant with real polish. I used to wear Buster Browns as a kid, but I'm a sneaker wearing adult, and I have to say, I've never polished a pair of shoes. There are kits in the grocery store, but they have all of these brushes and a couple of cans of polish, and it doesn't look as simple as brushing your teeth. Help me please, Tipper!

How Hard Could It Be?

Dear Can't See My Face In Them, That's interesting. I just had a fantasy of you vacuuming the dust bunnies out from under my bed. I guess I'm hoping that this wish of your honey's will result in a special sexy feeling for both of you, and not just in you taking on one of her household chores. That said, let's see if you can't get a nice gleam going, and hope that booty ensues.

Here's the basic equipment roster (these should all come in that package in the grocery store): a small round brush, two softish rectangular brushes, some chamois (a soft cottony rag will do) and a tin of polish that's the right color for the footwear.

I'm a Virgo, so it would go without saying for me and my uptight brothers and sisters under the same sign, but since you remain under unrevealed planetary influence, I anı compelled to poke you with a chubby finger and say Spread Lots of Newspaper under the workspace. Shoe polish is hard to remove, so be neat. This is also a good time to break out a couple of the latex gloves you have next to your bed. Upon completion of your task, your nails will be as sparkly as the boots.

Now, I know you're not dealing with laces, but in the future if you are, remove them and set them aside. Undo buckles and free straps and tongues. (Sexy!) Smoosh the small round brush into the opened tin of polish until there's about a tablespoon of polish in the brush. Grind, grind, grind this polish on the whole outside of each boot in

* This is a gal thing. If you have a nice date, call the next day. I mean it.

nice circular motions (Keep going back for more polish). Don't get any on the sides of the soles if you have that clearish Doc Marten soleage, or whitewalls.

Done? Cap the tin and knock residual polish curds out of the brush, and set them aside so you don't make a mess. Now, take the coarser of the two rectangular brushes and scruff, scruff, scruff away any visible waxy remains of the polish. Give it a little elbow grease. Next, take the softer rectangular brush and buff, buff, buff to a shine. Are we done? Almost. Now take the chamois and

rub the footwear to a gleam like that in your girlfriend's eyes. Sigh.

By the way:

Cannot Become Obsolete, P.O. Box 1232, Lorton, VA 22199-1232; Mystery Date, P.O. Box 641592, San Francisco, CA 941641592.

Send queries or comments to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.

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